Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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