i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
