this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
my poor anus
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
