everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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