The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
