if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
