I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
