Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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