He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
All I want is dick and wine.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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