Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I stole a fireplace last night.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
