You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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