i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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