i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
