I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
