You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
