she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
