I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
