he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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