I heard we made out
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize