I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
