I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
