How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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