i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize