Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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