I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
