Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
