he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
