I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
