I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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