Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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