these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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