What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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