Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
