Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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