i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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