I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
