whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
