this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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