You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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