sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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