im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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