What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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