Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
