I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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