I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
