i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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