im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
