Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Randomize