I wanna bring you to show and tell
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
