Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
