i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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