Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
