No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
