The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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