I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
