you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
