What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We need to rekindle our bromance
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
