All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
