Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
