maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
