i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize