Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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