No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
