TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
