I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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